


Boneless

by houseofpercypotter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: But there is no boning in this fic and for that I'm truly sorry, Crack, F/M, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Humor, Idiots in Love, Lots of alcohol, M/M, One Shot, Poor Harry, just let them bone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 21:01:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30044697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/houseofpercypotter/pseuds/houseofpercypotter
Summary: Harry has a problem, a big one. And the only way he can make himself feel better is with alcohol and a large side of Theo.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Alcohol, Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy, Theodore Nott/Harry Potter
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	Boneless

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Canttouchthis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canttouchthis/gifts).



> This is for the very lovely [Canttouchthis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canttouchthis/pseuds/Canttouchthis), whose catch phrase has revolutionized the fanfiction community. 
> 
> And a huge thanks to [Willowfairy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willowfairy/works) for her beta work!

Harry threw back his eighth shot of firewhiskey, slamming the glass back down on the table. He felt great. Truly amazing, and definitely not drunk at all.

“Hey! You!” he slurred. He pointed at one of the three nice men behind the bar, holding all the drinks. The amazing drinks. Why didn’t he have more drinks? He should get more drinks. “Yes! One of you! I don’t care which one. Come here and pour me another!”

“Who are you pointing to?” the voice of Theo Nott floated to Harry’s attention. 

When had Theo gotten here? Lovely Theo… handsome Theo… Theo with a perfectly large dick which was perfectly  _ amazing _ … which brought him back to—

Oh yes. The whole reason he was here drinking in the first place. Dick. Or rather, lack of. But the worst part was that it wasn’t even him that wasn’t getting dick. Theo took care of him  _ very  _ well. Yet somehow, this problem was even more painful, and the reason he needed another shot. 

“Another shot please, bartender!” But the man he was pointing to didn’t seem to be paying any attention to Harry. “Theo will pay!” he called. But with still no reaction from the kind man with all the drinks, he tried a different approach, “Oi! I’M HARRY POTTER! YOU GET TO LIVE IN A VOLDEMORT FREE WORLD BECAUSE OF ME!” he roared. “Bring me more whiskey!” Which did seem a bit dramatic, but if anyone had to go through what he was going through, then they’d understand. 

“Er — Harry?” Theo spoke gently. His voice made Harry feel like he was being wrapped in a warm hug. “Who are you pointing to?”

“That bartender! The one over there! But it doesn’t matter! Just call any one of those three to pour me another.” Harry pointed to the one furthest to the left. 

The people in the dingy bar stared openly at him. He had no idea why — he was acting perfectly normal. 

“Love, there’s only one bartender.” Theo redirected Harry’s hand six feet to the right, so that it was pointing at the man in the middle. “And you weren’t pointing anywhere near him. I think it may be time to go home,” he paused contemplatively before adding, “And I think you shouldn’t be drinking anymore. Maybe for at least a year.”

Theo’s voice made Harry feel like he was floating on a cloud. But how could such a nice voice say such mean words? He didn’t need to go home. He didn’t need to stop drinking. He needed to drink  _ more _ . He pouted as Theo shooed the three bartenders away. 

Huh. Why were they all moving synchronously? People were strange. He hated people. Except for Theo. And Theo’s cock, which was probably big enough to be considered its own person. 

“No! Theo! You don’t understand. If you understood, you’d be drinking too,” Harry slurred out in words that were only barely recognizable as English. 

“Alright. Come on. Get up. I’ll take you home.” He slid his arms around Harry’s torso, lifting him off the barstool. Harry tumbled off the chair, and into Theo’s waiting body. 

“You smell nice.”

“I’m glad you think so, Darling, because you reek of alcohol. Come on, it’s time to go home. Hermione is probably wondering where you are.”

Harry threw the name around in his head, trying to recall why it sounded familiar. But for some reason, his head felt all fuzzy and he was having a hard time thinking. Hermione… Hermione… was Theo talking about his roommate? Oh. He didn’t want to think about her. Thinking about his roommate only made him want to drink more.

He waved his arms wildly still trying to get the attention of the bartender. The wonderful man with all the alcohol finally seemed to understand what the gestures meant.

“I don’t want to see Hermione. Don’t you see!  _ She’s the problem _ .” Harry puffed his bottom lip out, and crossed his arms in what he imagined was an endearing position. Theo always had trouble saying no to him when he looked like that. “Are you sure I can’t have another drink instead of going home?” 

_ Finally.  _ The bartender brought Harry another glass of whiskey. 

“No. Absolutely not. I think you’ve had enough.” Theo rudely wrenched the tumbler out of his hands. The tumbler with the beautiful amber liquid — the only liquid that would allow him to spend another moment with  _ them  _ and stay sane. “Is this why you’re being like this? Because of Her—”

“Don’t say her name! I’m so angry with her, I can’t bear to hear it.” Harry whined.

“If this is about Hermione and Draco —” Theo ignored the angry glare that Harry shot at him at the mention of their names,”— and what we talked about earlier today, I think you may be overreacting a bit.” 

“Noooo Theeeoooo,” Harry drawled out. “You don’t understand! He’s there ALL THE TIME and they just stare at each other with stupid heart eyes. And it’s gross.” He stared gravely into Theo’s deep, beautiful, ocean blue eyes in an attempt to convey just how serious he was. “It makes me want to vomit.” 

“You know, funnily enough, I do understand because as sober Harry may remember, Draco is  _ my  _ roommate. And whenever Hermione and Draco are not at your flat”—Theo again ignored Harry’s withering scowl at the mention of the pair’s names—”they’re at mine. And they do the exact same things there.” 

Harry scoffed. “I highly doubt that. Has he fed her chocolates by hand?” 

“Yes.” 

“And then did he let her suck off all the melted chocolate on his fingers?”

“Yes.”

“Has she sat on his lap when there hasn’t been enough room on the sofa?”

“Yes.”

“Has she bent her knees, shoved her arse in his face, and started twerking in the middle of your living room, in what she claimed were,” Harry used air quotes here, “dancing lessons.”

“Yes, and I think you’ll be hard pressed to find—”

“BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY’RE NOT DOING???” Harry interrupted Theo. “They won’t—” he made a smooshing motion with his hands, jerking them closer and further apart. “What’s the word again?” he snapped his fingers quickly, trying to recall the term, but his head was still feeling very jumbled. “Why can’t I remember the word?”

Theo shot a fond but exasperated look at him while Harry continued to move his hands in the same way one would fluff a pillow. “Bone?” Theo suggested dryly. 

“YES! WHY WON’T THEY BONE!? I JUST WANT THEM TO BONE.” Harry grabbed a random passerby, and turned the stranger to face him. He grabbed her roughly by the shoulders, and shook her while screaming, “JUST LET THEM BONE!” 

“Alright. Yes. That’s it. Time to go,” Theo said, quickly collecting their jackets, and calling out apologies to the stranger who had run away in fear with tears streaming down her face. 

Harry started to sob as Theo dragged him by the arm out of the bar and onto the street. 

The early afternoon sun was blinding, and he leaned into Theo to stay in balance, catching his scent. Theo’s smell was intoxicating, and Harry realized that he  _ needed _ to fuck him. Yes, that would get his mind off of his horrible predicament. He directed kissing noises toward Theo’s gigantic cock.

Harry used his hand to grasp Theo’s penis over his trousers. “I want to suck on your cock, please. Can I? Will you let me?” He started to squeeze his hand over the bulge, and could feel it starting to harden. 

“Harry,” Theo hissed. “We’re in public.” He swatted Harry’s hand away. 

Harry frowned. Why did that matter? “You’re no fun. Why don’t you want to have sex with me? You  _ always _ want to have sex with me.” His eyes widened as a terrible thought spiraled through his brain. “Do you think the not boning is contagious? Did you catch it from She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?” He gasped dramatically. “That must be it! That’s the only reason why you wouldn’t want to have sex with me.” 

“You can have all the penis you want,  _ when we get home,”  _ Theo hissed again.  __

“Yayyyyy!” Harry smiled widely, leaning heavily into Theo. Harry kept stumbling during their walk to the apparition point, for some inexplicable reason. It was probably because the sidewalk looked like a wave. But how come Theo wasn’t having trouble walking? It’s another reason to love him, he supposed. Theo was always perfect. But, he should probably complain to someone. Maybe after he sucked on Theo’s cock. Yes, he should definitely do that first.

Theo smelled like a treat. Harry really wanted to lick Theo. Like a lollipop. Maybe if he asked nicely enough, Theo would let him buy some whipped cream before going home…

A lazy grin fell upon his face, and he continued imagining all the things he could lick off of Theo, when someone’s pet ruined his daydreams. 

They passed a dog chewing very innocently on a bone, one paw on the vertical shaft, and one end inside its mouth. The sight resurfaced the bad thoughts. “SEE even the DOG gets the bone. But when is Hermione going to get the BONE, huh? Huh?! It must have been MONTHS since she’s gotten the bone!!!”

In case Theo didn’t understand the meaning, he huddled close to his ear to whisper, “Get it? Bone...like a penis?” And if that wasn’t clear enough, “With one end in the dog’s mouth, that bone looked like a penis.” 

He didn’t hear Theo respond, but could have sworn he saw an eye roll. 

* * *

Along the way from the apparition point, Harry had no idea why, but he was having more and more trouble walking. The earth below him felt like a boat on a rocky sea. Harry’s head rested on Theo’s muscled chest as Theo supported most of Harry’s body weight. He loved it — Theo smelled divine. 

Now in the hallway outside the flat Harry shared with Hermione, Theo coaxed Harry to go through the door. “Come on Love, we’re almost there. Just a few more steps, I know you can make it.” 

“Has anyone ever told you how lovely your voice is? It makes me feel like I’m drinking steaming hot cocoa on a snowy winter day.” 

Harry felt Theo’s chuckle rumble through his body. 

Upon opening the door, they were met with the glorious sounds of springs being pounded into. It was loud. It was squeaky. And it was music to Harry’s ears. “Do you think they’re finally doing it?” Harry leaped out of Theo’s arms, unable to contain his excitement. 

Unfortunately, in his befuddled state, he shut the front door too hard — it slammed with a loud bang. The squeaking immediately stopped.

They heard whispered exclamations of “Is someone home?” and “I thought they weren’t supposed to be home?!” coming from behind Hermione’s closed bedroom door.

The bedroom door opened in the next instant and Hermione and Draco emerged looking guilty. They were fully clothed, without a hair out of place. Harry’s excited mood plummeted. Nobody could have gotten dressed that quickly, even with magic.

“We can explain. It’s not what you think it is, I swear,” Hermione babbled. “We were—” her eyes shifted over to Draco. “—well do you want to tell them?”

“We were...jumping on the bed,” Draco hung his head in shame, refusing to meet their eyes. “Hermione told me about how young muggle children do it, and I didn't believe her. I really couldn't fathom why it would be fun, so we thought we could try it together.” 

Theo sighed, before looking at a crestfallen Harry. “Alright, fine. Let’s go back to the bar. Now I need a bloody drink too.”

**Author's Note:**

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